Fatherless Daughter 2

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Growing up without a father was my reality. Living without one now is still my reality, but the good thing about it is I’ve come to accept it.

Although I got used to not having my father around over the years, I never realized how much it affected me until I took a deep and honest look at my relationships with men. I noticed that, subconsciously, and at different times throughout my relationships, I was seeking my father. Back then, I didn’t really comprehend what a healthy relationship entailed.

In Part I of Fatherless Daughter, I explain how I stayed in a tumultuous relationship because I so desperately wanted the love of a man. I elaborate on how the need to have a father in my life, clouded my vision and, in return, led to me being in an unhealthy relationship with the first guy I dated. There were signs telling me to leave, but the empty void I was trying to fill kept me there. Even though I eventually managed to leave, I carried the experiences of that first relationship into my second relationship. Let me explain!

Guy #2…

One of the characteristics that attracted me to guy #2 was his confidence. He was confident in who he was, knew what he wanted and where he wanted to go in life, and that was the most attractive thing about him. About a man period, in my book! I noticed his confidence the day I met him. He didn’t say a lot but that made me want to know more about who he was. He was polite, observant and he articulated his thoughts confidently, so I took a chance on him. Actually, it was a fluke that we even ended up meeting: my girl back then sprung the idea of meeting him at the last moment, so everything that evening was unexpected.

We exchanged numbers that night and, within a week, we met up again. However, the second time we met, I wasn’t very impressed with him because he was drunk, which was not at all attractive to me. We basically weren’t in tune with each other that day, so as I waited for the bus to take me home, I politely listened to him speak but said very little.

He continued to call me after that, but I avoided him until one day he got me on the phone. What I wanted to be a two-minute “shut his ass down and run off the phone” conversation, ended up lasting for hours. We spoke about everything that night! And after that phone call, there would be many more phone calls just like that one.

A few months passed and, after one particular date, we went back to his place. I had no intentions of anything happening, but one thing led to another and, hey, we did it! Usually, I was the prudish type, but with him I didn’t feel the need to be. I trusted him instantly!

We were young and in love. All my bashful tendencies and awkwardness were nowhere to be found when I was around him. I felt so free to be me that the reality of not having a father in my life never even crossed my mind.

We made it official: we were a couple. However, my happy start didn’t last long: I got a surprise that should’ve ended us right then and there, but it didn’t.

Turns out the girl I thought he was dealing with before me was really the other girl he was dealing with at the time he was dealing with me. And she was pregnant. Instantly, I felt empty. I felt like our bond would be interrupted and I would have to let go of the person with whom I felt so in tune.

I stayed with him. Some called it crazy, back then I called it love, and today I call it filling a void. I should’ve backed away but I didn’t. Now that I’m older and wiser, I know I should’ve left him alone to figure out the new journey he was about to embark on without having me as a distraction. But he asked me to stay and I did because, for me, it felt like I finally belonged to a man who really loved me.

I chose to stick it out with him rather than leave and risk feeling that void in my heart again (my daddy issues reared their ugly head!). I believed that it was love. In retrospect, I think it was a tainted version of love (more on that some other time). So…I stayed!

I stayed for almost six years. Most days were excellent and some days were horrible. His baby mother behaved like a bully towards me, and even though her behaviour at the time was unacceptable, being the woman I am today, I can now understand her hurt and frustration to a degree.

Sadly, she never had the baby, I will not elaborate as it isn’t my story to share, but I was supportive with the two of them continuing to speak because they had history. I wasn’t, however, aware that they were still sharing each other’s bodies.

The thought of him cheating played a major role in me being skeptical of him over the course of our six-year relationship. Yes…I forgave him and we decided to move on and try to make it work, but, in the relationship I was resentful – all the hurt from Guy #1 came pouring into my relationship with Guy #2 and the trust wasn’t there.

I became a bitch overnight. Although we still maintained our close friendship, as a couple we were toxic. As much as I wanted to completely forgive him, and as much as I thought I’d healed after that first relationship, it was clear that I couldn’t and wasn’t. I felt completely let down by both the men in those relationships.

Fast forward a couple years…

We split up because of his cheating, not because of his heart. Despite everything, I always knew his intentions towards me were good: he wanted to love me, but he struggled with the how. His cheating habits were a reflection of what he’d been exposed to growing up by the male figures in his life who normalized cheating.

At first, I stayed out of fear: fear of losing the deep connection that I longed for for so long. Even when things were rough I stayed because that was what I grew up seeing. There was a pattern being created with the men I was dating, and after every failed relationship, I would end up feeling even worse than the one before. My patterns would continue and eventually I would meet guy #3.

To Be Continued

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