Fear Of Abandonment Compromised My Self-Worth & Peace Of Mind

We are victims to people who take advantage of us , especially when they see we don’t know better—Or, when we are blindsided by our own brokenness. However, once we learn the reason for our patterns, and toxic cycles, it’s up to us as individuals to change what is in our power; especially if we want to live a peaceful life.

We can no longer be labelled as the victim to certain situations in our lives when we understand the reasons for our patterns and cycles. 

I don’t write this to come across as harsh, rather, instead to hold ourselves accountable to the things that we can change— especially for the occurrences that we find ourselves wrapped into that compromise our self-worth and peace of mind. 

I will be the first to say that breaking patterns and cycles is difficult; but what I know to be true is that small steps leads to big steps, and eventually we become a master at whatever it is we’re trying to achieve. 

So…where am I going with this?

Over the course of the 39 years of my life, I’ve encountered some really amazing individuals—some that I even call my friends to this day. However, I also experienced relationships where I was left feeling drained, disappointed, misused, hurt or sad. I’m sure many people can relate! 

The majority of these relationships were not too pleasant and didn’t grow. Looking back, I realized that I stayed connected to these individuals for too long despite there being so many red flags giving me the heads up to run! The red flags were so large, even someone with poor vision would be able to see them crystal clear.  

The question is: why did I stay?

By asking myself this question on my healing journey, I learned that I had an abandonment wound. The only reason why I stayed so connected to these individuals was because I was trying to escape the feeling of abandonment.

Now, just because you learn your why, doesn’t mean that your behaviour will change automatically. Because like we all know, change is hard— it can be nerve racking, and it takes so much energy and courage. It also takes time to master a new way of thinking and living when you have operated in a certain way for so long. 

The fear not only kept me tied to relationships and situations far beyond the expiry date, but it also compromised my self-worth and peace of mind. 

One thing for certain is that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. It doesn’t matter what they say, it’s all about what they do, and if what they’re speaking can match what they’re saying. 

Let me further explain. 

In my twenties, I dated a man who would constantly promise he would handle a prior situation as our relationship developed. After months of nothing being done, I realized he was not going to go through with his promise. Since we had such a great relationship outside of his unfinished business, I kept believing in what he said he was going to do, and trusted that one day he would honour his word. However, the more I believed him, without any effort to make the changes he needed to— the more excuses he would feed me. 

I have many other examples of staying beyond my time, but I use this one because I’m sure many can relate to empty promises in a relationship. All his excuses were red flags, and the more I accepted those excuses, and no changes, the more my peace was being disturbed. 

I was growing a bit resentful as we grew closer. Every time we were together I would question if he was full of shit, or did he really love me the way he said he did. When a woman is uncertain with where she stands, it definitely messes with her emotional and mental space. 

I stayed when he gave me the first reason because I believed that that man was going to change a situation for our relationship. I stayed for the second, third, fourth, and fifth excuses, because I wanted to escape the feelings of abandonment. 

While remaining tied to a man out of fear, I compromised my self-worth and peace of mind. I was settling for a man that had unfinished business, which resulted in me not being able to fully have the relationship I desired, despite me being worthy of so much more. Of course I wasn’t happy; who would be if your relationship couldn’t  evolve because of one person’s mess! 

I, of course, came to my senses and left, but only to repeat the same situation again in another relationship, until I finally realized that my fear of abandonment was what was allowing me to stay in poor situations for far too long.

The crazy thing about all of this is that I knew in my heart that I was worthy of what I desired, however, I never took a stand for myself by having clear boundaries with people. As a result, the lines were often times crossed, and when they were crossed I struggled to follow through with the aftermath of broken boundaries. I would have preferred to let it go, hoping it would change, but in hindsight, if I were to follow through with the repercussions of the broken promise, a part of me knew that the relationship would end, and those feeling of abandonment would resurface.

I compromised a lot of my worth and peace of mind in relationships because of my unhealed wounds. 

What I learned from all of this is that once we comprehend our reasons for certain unpleasant pattern and cycles in our lives, we are no longer the victim to circumstances; and it’s up to us to put an end to what is causing distress in our life. 

Secondly, I learned that when we operate out of fear, we devalue ourselves. I also learned that it’s important to take a stand for ourselves, set boundaries, and then deal with the repercussions of those broken boundaries, because this will definitely lead us to the right people, and less stressful relationships.

And, lastly, I learned that all wounds that we acquire growing up can be healed, but it does take work, and the courage to be honest with ourselves. 

From my journey to yours.

Keemah G