I Knew I Was Growing When I Didn’t Clap Back

Hello Readers, 

I hope you enjoyed last week’s blog post! Let’s get into this week’s post.

I Knew I Was Growing When I Didn’t Clap Back

In 2017, my friendship with a person I knew for over twenty years came to an end; and I have to say, it showed me how far I was coming along on my journey. 

On the first day of fourth grade, I walked into school and saw her standing there with her mother. My cousin and I went straight up to her and introduced ourselves. From then until 2017, we maintained our friendship; and like many friendships we had some highs and lows. Some of our highs included sleepovers, holidays spent, girl’s night, amazing road trips and vacations, showing up to support in a time of need, a listening ear- we have definitely been through a lot together. Then there were the low moments that included backstabbing, deceit, insecurities, lack of support, and arguing. 

We were young girls that unfortunately came from broken homes, and it was showing up in our friendship—at least in our younger days. Not to say too much, since this is in the past, and isn’t relevant to the person’s current character (I’m assuming); many of the lows were due to her backstabbing, deceit, insecurities, lack of support, and my need to always let it be known to her, that led into arguments. 

Some would ask me how I stayed friends with her for so long despite all of the drama. In retrospect, it was my abandonment issues, my misconception of forgiveness, and not wanting to give up on the people I loved. Overall, she wasn’t a good friend since she was quite self-indulged and selfish at times growing up, and she would agree to this statement too, because we had this conversation in the last years of our friendship.

When my Grandmother died in 2013, she stepped up. We became the closest we’ve ever been in years. We got through things in the past and we had some very vulnerable conversations. In these conversations, she let me know of her issues with me in the past, and she admitted certain things about her behavior in the friendship growing up— this gave me a deeper understanding of her actions. 

After getting through the past, I really felt like our friendship was where it was when we decided to call each other best-friends 24 years ago. I believed we were finally getting to a place in our womanhood where we were building a real sisterhood. It’s also fair to say that we were both at a low place in our lives. She was discovering what to do with her life, and ending her night life, and I was mourning. We were both at a place where major changes were happening, and we cling to each other for support. This was one of few times in our friendship where the support was reciprocated on her part—it was a healthy balance. 

In 2017, things took a turn, and our friendship started to regress. I was no longer trusting her like before, and I made the mistake of not letting her know, as I didn’t think she was mature enough to have the conversation. 

She was upset with me because I didn’t tell her something that she felt she should know. As a result, we stopped talking for two weeks. We ended up speaking, hashing everything out again. I thought it was the last and final breakthrough moment of deep understanding that our friendship needed to heal, and then she crossed another boundary.  

I addressed it before leaving on my cruise to the Caribbean, and told her I loved her. I didn’t call her when I returned, and she didn’t call me to see if I returned back safely (something we always do). The silence rang loud in our friendship. But, for the first time, I wasn’t in any of my feelings about it, I rolled the friendship over to God and said, “You do what you want with it”. There were absolutely no disheartening feelings towards her, and if she had called, we would’ve had a great conversation as usual. I just gave up drama!

Well, following my return from my cruise, she started to post subliminal messages about our friendship online. People questioned me about our friendship as a result, and again—I rolled it over to God. 

Her mother, the only person I ever called “Mom”, because of the high level of respect I had for her, turned to Facebook and wrote something demeaning about me. This came as a complete shock. This is when I started to remove them from my social platforms, as I didn’t want to engage in the immaturity. To know a grown woman like her mother always felt a certain way about me, only made me see how spiritless she was, and why her daughter behaved the way she did over the years. 

Then, the icing on the cake, was when she went on Instagram, and told people (whom I never met) to unfollow me. She was able to do this because some of my followers came from her posting my quotes at times to help build my brand. 

All of this happened because no one called each other after my vacation. 

I didn’t react to her or her mother, nor did I volunteer any information about her when people on Instagram wrote me, and told me she asked them to unfollow me. They wanted to know content of her character. I refused to give the situation any of my attention, because I was no longer participating in the immaturity and drama. I wanted to put an end to toxic friendships, and the only way I would be able to remove the noise was to remain silent –I was tired.

This is when I knew I was growing— I didn’t clap back. 

I wasn’t going to call and question her subliminal posts, or her contacting people about me, or correct what she was saying about me to others; I just refused to engage. 

If I were still at those unhealed stages of my life—when I was quick to pop off; while they went low, I probably would’ve went to hell with what I was going to express. But, in that moment, I realized that that energy no longer lived within me. I was at a place in my life where I became very intentional with the company I kept, so I no longer wanted to subject myself to friendships that require this kind of energy. If I had to lose the connection to avoid compromising where I was reaching in my journey, then so be it. 

I learned a lot from our friendship. It was evident through this situation that the lessons I learned at that point in my healing journey were being applied to my life by the way I responded to it. I no longer had that fighting spirit in me when it came to friendships; it’s either we’re going to mature, or we can just let go and let God—and in this situation, I let go, and let God.

It felt good to know I was growing, but it also felt uncomfortable; I was letting go of my home girl, a person I shared so much with over the course of my life. Looking back, I know for sure letting go was necessary for my journey, and it’s where God wanted to take me spiritually, so I have no regrets—just lessons learned.

From my journey to yours

KeemahG