I was ready to know why I kept allowing people to hurt me, why my family was the way they are and why I kept getting caught in the same problems. I needed to make sense of my life and what I realize was this –

From the day I knew I would have to continue my life and every other milestone without my parents by my side , I immediately felt disconnected. My family was torn apart and all I kept hearing people say was, “be strong” and, “it will be okay”.

I understand now, looking back, that many of the situations I put myself in with men were as a result of my father being absent. I am sure this is a familiar story to many of you, but for me, not wanting to victimize myself meant that I never acknowledged the realities and implications of being a fatherless girl.

I discovered that, from memories of witnessing my parents’ abusive relationship, to hearing stories about the crazy lifestyle they lived when I was younger, these tendencies played a big role in the relationships I pursued. They shaped my subconscious understanding of the ways in which a man is supposed to love a woman.

Growing older and not having my parents in my life  made me feel like I did not belong – this is something I would never have admitted before. But, I would build bonds with other people in the hopes of discovering the type of love that you can only really have with the ones who created you. That feeling of knowing a divine parental and unconditional love was unknown to me. So there was an emptiness inside of me and, as I got older, it affected me more and more.

My sadness and frustration over the years were the result of feeling like I was stuck in a bubble, but hoping that someone would pop it and help me through some of the pain I was feeling. But, it was taboo to speak about feelings, especially with the older people in my family, because everyone was hurting from the loss of my parents, and before being able to help me, they had to help themselves.

So there I was trying to figure out how to deal with this emptiness by myself.  As for the woman who raised me once my parents were gone, she had to be everyone’s strength. So I felt bad going to her with my problems because I knew her heart was heavy. Instead of opening up to her, I wanted to enjoy her, to make her happy… but by not opening up to her, I opened up to no one and it all remained bottled up inside and came out in other damaging ways.

When I began this journey, I had to go back in the past and slowly things began to make sense as to why they were the way they were. Something had to change! I, for one, wanted to live a good life, despite whatever had happened to me. I always believed that a good life was possible, and that coming from a bit of dysfunction did not mean that I had to live a stressful existence for the remainder of my life. From there, I began making changes. But let me tell you: relapsing was a regular thing. Still, the sweetest thing was that once I learned who I was, despite relapsing into my old ways (and sometimes I still do), I was able to take the necessary steps to get back on track.

I was broken because my foundation was broken. As much as we hear this on TV and in books, many of us hate to admit that we are one of those broken people. We like to feel we have it all together. My heart was broken from a loss at a young age, and I told myself that I had to be strong as a way of protecting myself from not feeling that loss and heartbreak again… Meanwhile, I was not really feeling very strong at all.

It took me a long time to realize this and so many other things in between. Before I became the pilot of my own plane, I figured it out, accepted being broken, and that was when things became clear and life became easier to navigate. I was working on myself then, I still am now, and I will never stop working on bettering myself.

What I know now is that the situation that caused my brokenness when I was young was out of my control. The power came from acknowledging it, owning it and releasing it. I realized I did not have to be broken forever, and that my future was all in my hands.

Keemah.G