Growing up without a father was my reality, and living life without one now, is still my reality. The good thing about it now is: I’ve accepted it. As the years went on, I got used to it but I never realized how much it affected me until I took a deep observation into my relationships with men (basically what these posts will be about). I noticed that subconsciously throughout certain times in my relationship, I was seeking my father. But, even then, I didn’t really comprehend what a healthy relationship entailed.
In Part I of Fatherless Daughter, I explained how I stayed in a tumultuous relationship because I so desperately wanted the love of a man. I elaborate on how the need to have a father in my life, clouded my vision and in return led me to having an unhealthy relationship with the first guy I dated. There were signs telling me to leave, but the empty void I was trying to fill kept me there. Even though I managed to leave my first relationship, at the same time I carried the experiences of my first relationship into my second relationship. Let me explain!
Guy #2…
One of the characteristics that I was attracted to with guy #2 was his confidence. He was confident in himself, what he wanted and where he wanted to go in life and that was the most attractive part of him. About a man period, in my book! I noticed this the day I met him. He didn’t say a lot but that was enough for me to want to know more about who he was. He was polite, observant and he articulated his words and thoughts confidently. I took a chance and it was actually by fluke that we met up, my girl back then sprung the idea of meeting him at the last moment, so everything that evening was unexpected.
After meeting him that night we exchanged numbers and within that week we met again. The second time we met I wasn’t very impressed with him because he was drunk, not attractive at all for me. We basically weren’t in tuned with eachother that day let’s say, so I was waiting for my bus and just listened to him speak and said very few words. After that day, he continued to call me but I avoided him until one day he got me on the phone. What I wanted to be a two-minute shut his ass down and run off the phone conversation, lasted for hours. We spoke about everything you name it, we spoke on it. After that phone call, there were many other phone calls like that.
A few months passed we went out on a date, and went back to his place with no intentions of what came next but hey, we did it! Usually, I was the prudish type, but with him I didn’t feel the need to be. I trusted him instantly!
We were young and in love. All my bashfulness and awkwardness was not in sight when I was around him, I felt so free to be me, that the thought of not having a father in my life was not even a thought in my mind.
March 30th, 2003, we made it official, we were a couple. However, my happy start would now be broken down by a surprise that would’ve caused us to end but didn’t. The girl he was dealing with before me or now that I know the truth, the other girl he was dealing with while dealing with me, was pregnant. Instantly, I felt empty. I felt like now our connection would be interrupted and I would have now let go of someone that I felt so in tuned with.
I stayed with him. Some will call it crazy, back then I called it love, and today I call it filling a void. I should’ve backed away but I didn’t. Now that I’m older and wiser than before, I should’ve left him alone to figure this new journey in his life without him thinking of me too. He asked me to say, and for me it felt like I finally belonged to a man who really loved me.
Once again my Daddy issues kicked in and I preferred to stick it out with him rather than leave and feel that void in my heart and I believed that it was love, which I believe now it was but a tainted version of love (I will explain some other time). So…I stayed!
I stayed for almost six years and most days were excellent and some days were horrible. The mother of his child behaved as a bully towards me, and even though her behaviour at the time wasn’t acceptable, as the woman that I am today I can now understand her hurt and frustration, with me to a degree.
Sadly, she never had the baby, but I was fine with them still speaking because they had history, however I wasn’t aware that they were still sharing each other’s body. The idea and the thought of him cheating, played a major role in me being skeptic throughout the six years. Yes… I forgave him and we decided to move on, in that moment however, I was resentful, all the hurt from guy #1 came pouring into the relationship and the trust wasn’t completely there.
At that point Guy #2 was the recipient from all of the hurt and frustration in my heart from him and guy #1. I became a bitch overnight, and throughout the relationships every now and then it would show up. We still maintained a close friendship but as a couple we were toxic for each other –I believe. As much as I wanted to completely forgive him and as much as I thought I was healed from the first relationship, it’s clearly that I couldn’t and wasn’t. At this point, I thought to myself they had completely let me down.
A couple of years later…
The relationship ended when I walked into court and was greeted by his Ex and a new girl that was sleeping with him. At first, I didn’t even pay attention to them because I was concern with him. We may have had a toxic relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend but when it came time to being friends like I mentioned before, we were compatible on so many levels. Therefore, in that moment all I could think about was what will happen to my friend.
We split up because of his cheating, not because of his heart. The one thing I was sure about was his intentions for me. His intentions were to love me but how? Is what he struggled to know. His cheating habits was a reflection of what he seen growing up, which make a lot of sense. Unfortunately, the habit was learned by the male role models in his life, who normalized cheating. Or, by his father who himself did the same to his mother. He was young and still wanted to adventure out at the same time trying to secure the woman that he loves, but unfortunately that wasn’t apart of the plans.
I stayed out of fear, fear of losing a deep connection that I longed for, for so long. Even when things were rough I stayed because that too is what I grew up seeing. There was a pattern being created with the men I was dating, and for every failed relationship I was feeling even worse than the one before. My patterns would continue and eventually I would meet guy #3.
To Be Continued…Part 3 Available