In the first two blog post of this continuation, I elaborate on being a fatherless daughter and how it had an effect on my fist two relationships. In post part 2, I mention how I was beginning to form a pattern with the men I chose to date – a pattern I would take with me in my twenties. 

In my early twenties, I concluded that relationships were complicated because I didn’t know anything else and I didn’t see anything else. Everyone had a dramatic relationship, older and younger. I realize now though, that relationships aren’t complicated, back then I was recreating the environment I’d known. And, as much as my grandmother tried to teach me about men, in hopes to avoid creating these patterns and getting my heartbroken, it wasn’t enough. Like I mentioned before in part 1, “I didn’t or couldn’t heed all of what she was saying. The need to fill the void caused by an absent father was more powerful than her words of wisdom”. 

Through “trial and error”, I’ve learned that a father teaches his daughter how a man protects and honours her. Unfortunately, when the father is absent from his daughter’s life, who then teaches her? She does, she teaches her damn self. How? Through trial and error, the theme of my relationships in my twenties.

The first Trial: Guy #3…

Sweet and covert. That’s what I will describe him as! He was gentle with me, but he also disguised himself as something that he wasn’t (you’ll grow to understand). Guy #3 I knew him for a long time before we got together. He was someone from my early teens, who I initially wanted to give my virginity to, but that never happened. 

One night at a concert he was seated behind me with his friends. He noticed me and I think we were both shocked to see each other, considering we haven’t crossed paths in a significant amount of time. We exchanged numbers and one day he called me, and we chatted and caught up for the last almost seven years of not seeing each other.

I was infatuated by him; he was quiet, but the first one you would notice in the room. He said a lot, without saying a lot. His charm was one that would have a girl feeling so good about herself. He would never shy away to tell me how beautiful I looked when we met up. He brought out the confidence in me and formed the butterflies in my stomach. He also had an animal ambition which was very inspiring to see. He was just chill!

One day he invited me over. He wanted me to see his house, he was proud of that accomplishment I assumed, because that was one of the few things he told me about when we were on the phone. So, I went over and went over again and again. It would become a routine, and I mostly seen him in the weekdays, and at nights.

I realized that all we did was chill by his house, we hardly went or did anything and for me this made bells ring off. So, I went into inquiry mode. I questioned if he was really single and he would repeatedly tell me, yes. He always had an excuse that he was busy and that was the reason why he couldn’t do as much as he allegedly wanted to with me. The times that he had available he wanted to relax…now if I didn’t date any misguided males in the past I would believe it, but I didn’t believe a word, he became very suspect to me. I knew something was up, I just couldn’t nail it to the wall. 

As time went on I went with the flow (naive of me) because I loved being in his presence. I loved sleeping beside him and waking up with him. I was truly young and loving every feeling he was giving me and my body. I didn’t give a shit at that point if we were doing activities! I just wanted him and if having him was sacrificing going out on dates, I was fine with that.

Once again, daddy issues rising to the surface. Settling with mediocracy, knowing that, that’s not what I really wanted. I wanted him, and his commitment but I was afraid to push it and push him away. Instead of walking away and making myself available for someone who was willing to make a commitment, I stayed committed to Mr. Uncommitted.  

My theory played out to be right…

I met his girlfriend at a community event. The embarrassment on my face and the disappointment I was feeling at the moment… there are no words to describe it. He clearly wasn’t who I thought of him to be. 

One and two people were trying to tell me he was involved with a young lady but when I asked him, he said, “no”. Subconsciously, I felt he may have been lying but I believed his word. I wanted to take his word instead other people’s but it back fired against me.

I was in complete blind fold mode; the signs were there. I didn’t know how to recognize them. Once again I would find myself enmeshed with a guy for longer than I needed to be. I would have to get my feelings hurt before I would go my own way, the patterns are becoming less faint. 

Guy #3 treated me kindly, but he failed to protect my heart. He dishonoured me by lying and I walked away without saying a word…

To be continued…Part 4 Available

K.G