This is final blog post in a 4-part blog series. If you haven’t read parts one through three, you can catch up, starting from Fatherless Daughter 1.

Without giving anything away, it’s obvious from the first three posts in this series that, back in my twenties, a pattern had begun to form with the men I chose to date. By the time I cut off Guy #3, I’d begun questioning my self-worth. But, I took note, and decided to take a break from relationships and pursue the single life for a change, at least that’s what I wanted to do.

I was extremely disappointed by Guy #3. I thought he respected me, but his actions showed that he didn’t. Then again, when I look back on what happened, I realize that I didn’t really respect or honour myself, either. I didn’t respect my own beliefs because I dishonoured them by settling. I settled based on insecurities. I pushed aside my standards, to honour his needs. So, if I didn’t hold my standards to the level that I wanted to, how could I really expect him to do the same. 

So, I gave up on the dating scene and basked in being single for a period of time. Plus, a part of me just wanted to take time to figure myself out – I questioned my decisions during that time and I questioned my worth. I was doubting whether or not I was enough to be loved, and beating myself up over the entire situation. I needed to build myself back up! 

After a few months of soul-searching, I figured I was ready to put myself back out there. One night I decided to go out with my friend to celebrate her birthday. My sister and I got all dolled up and headed to Montreal’s Old Port to dance the night away.

Towards the end of the night, as I was getting my coat, this handsome, six foot two man with chocolate smooth skin, a goatee and bald head, came walking through the crowd, smelling all types of good, to try to get my attention. Did he get it? He most definitely did!

My second trial, a.k.a Guy #4

He had a nice demeanor about him and I liked it. I was trying the whole, “going with the flow” thing, so I didn’t expect him to call. But, days later, he called to invite me out for dinner, and I thought, “Hey, why not?”

I met him downtown, and we had a great meal. That night, we talked about life, and about relationships. I told him that I wasn’t into games, and that I wasn’t “dating just to date”, that I was “open to a relationship.” I was very clear and direct with him, which I now realize had more to do with feeling anxious and wanting to control a situation that really couldn’t be controlled. 

I asked if he was involved with anyone, and he said he wasn’t. I was, like, “Cool. If after tonight, this continues, then we’ll see where it goes.” That was all my big talk!

Several months into the relationship, we went from seeing each other once a week to me practically living in his condo. We went out weekly, we spent time together, and he supported my decision to go back to school to pursue another career. I even considered introducing him to my grandmother. Everything was all good! Or so I thought.

One night, after he picked me up to go to his place, I joked about him having multiple women (that was definitely my insecurities sneaking in). I laughed, but he didn’t. Then he revealed that he had something to tell me, and that it was “complicated.” 

I felt the blood rush through my veins and my fist about to swing. He proceeded to tell me that he was still with the mother of his child but that they are parting ways. My fist was up and swinging, I started to cry and cry and cry. I was angry and just couldn’t believe his audacity. In my mind, I replayed every moment from our first date up to, and including the very moment he broke my heart. 

Still, I wanted to give him a chance to explain his story, so he did. 

I wasn’t sure what to believe, but what I knew was that I’d finally found someone that I could rock with. But, he wasn’t committed solely to me. 

So I stayed. Yes, I stayed. I figured that if the mother of his child lived in another country and they were separating, then it was cool. That’s where my daddy issues kicked in and I was blindsided by my reality. 

As time went on, I continued to ask if he’d settled his business with the mother of his child, and he kept saying “Soon baby. It takes time”.

I was once again worried about being too pushy so I chose to tread lightly. 

One morning, as we were making breakfast, he told me that his child and his mother were coming to town, and that I shouldn’t worry if I didn’t hear from him. Most importantly, he said that he wouldn’t be available. 

I didn’t even respond to him. He gave me kiss and said, “okay baby”, and played it off like I was unable to read between the line of what he’d just said. I ate, showered, and left with my things. That was the last time he saw me for a very, very, long time. 

In looking back, I’d be lying if I said that he treated me like shit. True, he was slick. He told half truths to get me to stay and fulfill his needs. 

But, really, I stayed because that relationship was better than the others I’d been in. I should’ve left once he told me he had unfinished business with the mother of his child, but I didn’t want to miss out on who I thought would be “the one”.

Going forward I was really discouraged.

To be continued…Part 5 available.

K.G