In the previous blog posts of this series, I talk about the first four men I dated – none of those relationships were great experiences, but they didn’t kill me! If anything, I learned a lot about myself and my relationship habits: my twenties were all about unhealthy patterns. I fell constantly for men who were unable to commit to me. My heart was damaged and I suffered from a shit load of self-doubt.

But, I had unresolved daddy issues back then, which caused me to make poor decisions. I didn’t know it at the time, but once I began my journey of self-acceptance, I began to heal. This occurred in my thirties, and it was – and continues to be – a process.

As the years went by the patterns didn’t break, if anything, they grew increasingly more and more heartbreaking.

For instance, after my relationship ended with Guy #4 (you can read about it here: ) I was convinced I’d learned from my mistakes and would make better choices moving forward. In fact, I took a break from dating altogether. I figured I needed it. And it worked. For a time.

My third trial, a.k.a Guy #5

Months later, when guy #5 came along trying to gain my attention, I was like, “please leave me the fuck alone”. You always know when a guy is feeling you because he puts his best foot forward, hiding all his “realness” in the process. [Side note: now that I’m 33 years old, I just want a man to be himself…from day 1. I want him to show me his true and imperfect self. I like to know what I’m up against to determine if I can handle what it is he’s bringing to the table. These days, I know who I am – I know where I’m going, I understand my worth – and I know what I want.]

Anyway, back to Guy #5.

I tried to steer clear of him because, as it turned out, he was broken to the core. In retrospect, that explained so much of his behaviour: he was manipulative, calculating, and controlling. It just wasn’t obvious at first. If anything, he was subtle in his ways. Even when he showed me love (yes, we ended up dating…more on that below), there was always a hidden motive for everything he did. It took me a while to catch on, but I eventually did.

After we parted ways, I was became very anxious. I was disheartened when it came to men. I was like, “did I just meet the devil”. In the end, it was clear that everything that broke his heart, was a direct result of how his parents and life broke him, and the victims would be the women he dated.

Let me explain…

Guy #5 had liked me for some time. Like I said before, I wasn’t necessarily feeling him because I was on my, “I’m done dating” tip. So it started off as nothing. But, eventually, we formed a connection. When I noticed there were feelings between us, I initiated a conversation about where the relationship was headed. We talked about making things official, but he admitted that he wasn’t ready for that. So, I gave him space and we continued along without any pressure.

After some time, my feelings grew stronger, and that empty void, caused by my father’s absence, began to fill. When we revisited the topic of our relationship, and it became clear we weren’t moving in the same direction, I decided to move on from him because I didn’t want a repeat of the previous relationship I’d been in. I explained all this to him, and he agreed to give me my space.

So we parted ways. I became very anxious and disheartened, but I kept it moving.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t break the “on again, off again” cycle with Guy #5, although I did try. Weeks after I’d ended it, he reappeared with some sob story, and tried to pick up exactly where we’d left off. Inevitably, I let him back in. We got close again, but nothing came of our rekindling except more disappointment.

When we were together, he’d treat me like we were in a relationship, but he’d act single when he was out. He wanted me to fulfill his needs, but expected me to suppress my own until he was ready to change the flow of our relationship. And I would, for a time. But, when I couldn’t take it any longer, I’d walk away, full of resentment.

I should’ve stood firm in my own truth, honoured my own desires, and stayed away from him. But, I lost myself in the constant back and forth. And, although I was tired of letting go, it hurt me more to stay away from him than it did to stay with him.

Naturally, the relationship became toxic. There was verbal, and physical aggression throughout the middle and the end of our relationship. But, I was blinded by all his promises. I wanted so badly to believe that things would get better. I wanted to believe that he could be a man and, I was trying hard to see past his faults.

At one point, he even led me to believe he wanted a particular girl’s number just to call her for business purposes. In the end, that “business relationship” turned into something more, and when he got her pregnant, he claimed the baby wasn’t his.  And yet, he still tried to make his way back into my heart. But by that point, there was no room left for him.

In retrospect, I sabotaged my happiness because of unresolved daddy issues. I held on to the good times Guy #5 and I shared, and created illusions for what could’ve been, refusing, for so long, to accept what really was.

When I look back on that time with him, I remember a lot of what he said about his childhood and his relationship with his parents. His relationship with his father was nonexistent, much like mine was with my father. His father had multiple women, much like mine did. He was learning to become a man through trial and error, just like I was. In the end, we had similar stories. But, while I was overcompensating to try to fill the void in my heart created by my absent father, Guy #5 was doing his best to avoid his void by using me for his convenience. Looking back, I can see that he wanted love, but was unwilling to give of himself. The two of us created a relationship from a broken place, which only created more chaos. I didn’t understand my brokenness at the time, but I eventually came to terms with it, which allowed me to forgive myself, and then forgive him. I learned so much from my relationship with Guy #5!

From my journey to yours

K.G

To be continued…Part 6 (Series Finale)available.