This is the final blog post, to my series called, ‘Fatherless Daughter’. For those who are now joining me, in these posts I take you through a journey of my past relationships and how the absence of my father played a major component throughout them. Unaware of the aftermath of not having a father, I ventured throughout these relationships, subconsciously looking to fill a void caused by the absence of my father. One that would leave me at times disheartened, discourage, and disappointed. 

After all these years of dating, I’m still single at 33. But, don’t take that as a “poor me” kind of attitude – I’m fine with it. Besides, I’m trusting the process…now. I wasn’t always good at that!

Back in my twenties, every time I’d meet a new guy I’d think, “Maybe this is ‘the one.’” By “the one” I meant, the man whose spirit would connect with mine long before our bodies did. 

After my relationship with Guy #5, I realized that something had to change – what that was exactly, I didn’t know. But I was determined to find out. I knew I had to figure out why I kept reliving the same experiences. 

In reflecting on my relationship history, speaking with other women who’d been in similar situations, and in watching Iyanla: Fix My Life, I began to understand that the relationship cycles I’d been living through were more than just a series of poor choices with men: I had daddy issues.

I spent about ten years subconsciously trying fill this empty void in my heart caused by the absence of my father. I suffered rejection, humiliation and disappointment for years and I still couldn’t understand why I kept reliving the same patterns with men. But, I’d never stopped to consider the effects being fatherless had had on me, not until, that is, I began the process of healing.

During that time of healing, I met Guy #6.

There’s a quote by Brigitte Nicole that says, “One thing I know for sure is that if you struggle with any situation, but never learn the underlying lesson, it will come back to you again and again.” It’s the quote that really sunk in the first time I heard it. It’s also the quote that came to mind when I decided to let go of Guy #6 – not because the experience with him was bad, but because I’d started to see traces of old patterns with him (i.e. me committing to him and him not committing to me). 

I couldn’t go through another round of indecision and fence-straddling with yet another man; I didn’t want to be caught in the same vicious cycle of pushing for a relationship that I knew wasn’t going anywhere. I wanted and deserved more. I wanted to be made a priority. I wanted love, and not the superficial, self-serving kind either. Real love. 

When Guy #6 came around, I was working at restoring my faith in myself, so I didn’t want to compromise my worth by being with a man who couldn’t see it, no matter how good he might’ve been.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. If I’m going to tell the story of Guy #6, I have to tell it right.

My fourth Trial a.k.a Guy #6

I knew for years that Guy #6 was interested in me, but I didn’t take him seriously: He was too charming for my taste, and I figured he was one of those men with lots of women. Turns out he wasn’t like that and I’d judged him too quickly. So, I relented and gave him a chance.

Guy #6 showed me how a man is supposed to treat a woman: he was a complete gentleman. He listened attentively, he supported my ideas, and the first thing on his mind wasn’t sex (when I took a stance and said “no sex without commitment,” he supported me).

But, after six month of dating, he started to change. He didn’t call as much, and he didn’t answer when I called him. I decided I wasn’t going to play his game, and told him so when we did eventually speak. I told him what I wanted: consistent people in my life – no in and out at my expense – and a relationship that was up to my standards. If he couldn’t be and provide that, I was fine to let the relationship go. I wanted peace of mind, and wondering where I stood with him didn’t give me that. 

That’s when he shared his feelings with me and explained what he’d been dealing with since we’d started dating. Instantly, I better understood the reasons for his flighty behaviour, and why he’d pull away every time we’d get close. After he courageously opened up to me, I couldn’t stay mad at him, but I still shamelessly wondered why finding the one for me couldn’t just be simple.

Although we continued to date for a bit after that conversation, I had to be honest with myself and admit that it wasn’t going anywhere. The more we spoke, the stronger my feelings grew, so I knew it was time to let him go.

When I told him I needed space to get over him, he didn’t try to talk me out of it, and he didn’t stop me from leaving. As much as I wanted him to, I was grateful that he didn’t: his actions allowed me to see where he stood and put an end to my uncertainty.

Guy #6 was a genuine sweetheart, but he was like that with everyone. Still, I like to think that he came into my life to remind me of how I should be treated by a man. Sure he was indecisive, but I came to understand why. Prior to him, it had been a while since I’d had someone treat me the way he did…when he was present.

Our conversations were deep and meaningful, he listened attentively and patiently to my struggles, and we bonded on an intellectual level, which is something that I want in a relationship. I was able to be vulnerable with him and, by demonstrating unwavering faith, he inspired me to seek a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God.

But despite his many great qualities, I took my lesson and chose to walk away from him. I walked away because I wanted to break the pattern. Had I stayed, I would’ve suffered heartache, and I didn’t want that.

Leaving was sad, but it was done in faith – not out of fear – and with the understanding that if we’re meant to be, we’ll find our way back to one another.

From my journey to yours

K.G