A Daughter’s First Heartbreak

Fathers…

What an important role you play in a child’s life. 

Despite what the world says a Father is supposed to do, which is, provide and protect, I believe that this definition is far too vague and it has led them to unintentionally miss out on the true essence of what it means to be a father.

Why was I angry with my Father?

The years following my father’s death, I was very upset with him. Yes,  you read right, I was upset with a dead man! 

I was upset to the point where I would sign my last name with my mother’s maiden name instead of his last name. I didn’t want to carry his name; I didn’t feel there was anything to honour.

I was upset because I felt that had he lived his life differently, especially once he had children, maybe he would still be here to watch them grow. I was angry with him because I suffered with the sadness that his absence left in my life; and I was frustrated at times trying to navigate this world without his guidance. 

When I learned how he treated my mother, and the sadness she felt; how she wasn’t happy at the time of her death—it made me think that he was the reason she was no longer living. He was not looking like “dad of the year” in my eyes, despite him being the apple of my tiny little eyes when he was here. 

Overall, I felt like my Father could have made better decisions. As a result of his choices in life, his children had to pay the price by living with the pain of an absent father; and two of his children (my sister & I), with an absent mother. 

A little harsh eh!? 

It was. 

But…it’s my truth. It is the truth that helped me to forgive my father. The anger I felt towards him led me to learn more about him, to find a better understanding of the man he was, and with understanding, came a change of heart on how I viewed my father.

My father came from Mount Murray in the St. Ann Parish of Jamaica –humbling beginnings! My Grandparents didn’t have a lot,  but they managed to provide the basic essentials of life for their children. My father came to Montreal as a youth, and lived in the hood. I was informed by his Aunt that he came here with the clothes on his back, and a toothbrush in his pocket. My grandmother worked tirelessly to provide for her children, all the while still taking care of family members back in Jamaica. 

My Father didn’t have the tools to understand anything else besides survival, and when he grew older he was taught that the essence of a man was to provide and protect. 

My Father was hungry to meet that criteria of a man. However, how could he provide when he was broke, and at that, he also had a child on the way. So, like some other men that came from the Caribbean in the 80’s, and lived in Montreal’s uptown district, they started hustling—and my father’s choice of supply was marijuana. 

My father came into the game and he dominated it at the same time. He had houses, cars, bikes, a store, women, more children, and money that he often times would give to others. However, with his rise to financial freedom and power, came the drama that would eventually lead to his death, and the death of my mother. 

Do you see why the anger towards my father would be there?

As some may know, a person’s anger is telling us something that words won’t form to express. 

I was angry because I needed him, I missed him and I felt like he let me down. The emptiness I felt as a child that led me to feel as if I didn’t belong in any space –I believed was due to his poor decisions. 

However, as I grew older, and began to understand his life and life in general, it was clear that my dad did his best with the cards that he was dealt.

My father had to push pounds and pounds of weed because working as a bartender wasn’t going to make the cut and get him out of poverty. It also wasn’t going to help him provide for his daughter on the way, nor take care of his family. So, he did what he thought would help him to evolve from a less fortunate life. 

My father was young with lots of money and a family that was just as big and in the game. He got caught up with trying to find the balance between his roles in life. 

My father wanted to ensure his future, and the future of his children, and he believed that this would be by making sure that financially we were provided for. But—don’t  get it twisted; he was the dad that picked my sister and I up from school, made us breakfast, did the small things in life that meant so much. However, his choice of career is what was the gift and the curse.

While the money served us well in terms of physical things, I would trade it all in a heartbeat if that meant having my father back, and having him here to see us grow and be around his seven grand-sons and grand-daughter. 

Why I forgave my Father?

Once I learned more about my Father’s life, I had no choice but to forgive him. My father got into the drug business operating in survival mode, and when you’re in that mode, desperate time calls for desperate measures. I also reflected on the positive things he did, instead of focusing on the negative, and I was able to gain a high level of respect for him notwithstanding his shortcomings. 

For a young man hustling in the 80’s, he had such a big vision and he had a large sense of compassion for others. He wanted to serve his community back in Jamaica by supplying them with clothes, paid school fees, school supplies and anything that he could to help elevate his community. He managed to secure real-estate property and land etc., which can now be a place of comfort for his children. 

My father hustled for his vision, children and family. I forgave him because I learned his story, and by understanding his story, it helped me to know mine. No one is perfect, and so, neither was my father—but I am so proud of him. 

Dad, you were my first love. You were also my first heartbreak, but I know it wasn’t intentional, so I forgive you. Rest in peace.

So, what can other fathers learn from mine?

Money is important, but having a present and available father is priceless, and what your children really need—so show up every-single-time!

You’ll thank me later!

From my journey to yours. 

Keemah G