In the first two blog posts of this series, I talk about how being a fatherless daughter had an effect on my first two relationships. I look at the pattern I created with the men I dated, a pattern that I carried with me into my twenties.
In my early twenties, I believed that relationships were complicated because, up until that point, I hadn’t known anything else or been exposed to anything other than complicated relationships. Whether young or old, everyone had a drama-filled relationship and, as a result, I unconsciously recreated what I’d grown accustomed to.
Despite my grandmother trying her best to teach me about men – she hoped I’d create better patterns for myself and would avoid heartbreak – her lessons and words of warning weren’t enough. Like I mentioned in Part 1, “I didn’t or couldn’t heed all of what she was saying. The need to fill the void caused by an absent father was more powerful than her words of wisdom.”
Trial and error was the theme of my relationships in my twenties. Over time, I learned that a father teaches his daughter how a man protects and honours her. When a father is absent from his daughter’s life, who then teaches her? She does – she teaches her damn self through trial and error, just like me.
Case in point: my first trial, a.k.a Guy #3.
Sweet and covert, that’s how I described him. He was gentle with me, but he also disguised himself as something he wasn’t (you’ll soon come to understand why). I knew Guy #3 for a long time before we got together. He was someone from my early teens, and I initially wanted to lose my virginity to him, but that never happened.
One night at a concert he was seated behind me with his friends. He noticed me and I think we were both shocked to see one another, considering we hadn’t crossed paths in a significant amount of time. We exchanged numbers and, one day, he called me. We chatted and caught up after almost seven years of not having seen each other.
I was infatuated with him. Although he was quiet, he was the first one you’d notice in a room. He said a lot, without saying a lot. He was charming and made me feel so good about myself. He would never shy away from telling me how beautiful I looked whenever we’d meet up. He brought out my confidence and put the butterflies in my stomach. He also had an animal ambition that was inspiring to see.
One day, he invited me over to see his house. He was proud of that accomplishment, I assumed, because that was one of the few things he told me about when we first spoke on the phone. So, I went over, and went over again and again. It would become a routine, although I’d mostly only see him on weekdays and at night.
I soon realized that all we did was chill by his house. We hardly went out or did anything, and for me, that made bells go off. So, I went into inquiry mode. I questioned if he was really single and he would repeatedly tell me he was. His excuse was always that he was busy, which was why he couldn’t do as much as he allegedly wanted to with me. With the time he had free, he wanted to relax…Now, if I hadn’t previously dated any misguided men, I would’ve believed him, but I didn’t believe a word, and he became very suspect to me. I knew something was up, I just couldn’t nail it to the wall.
As time went on, I went with the flow (naive of me) because I loved being in his presence. I loved sleeping beside him and waking up with him. I was truly young and I loved everything he made me and my body feel. I didn’t give a shit at that point if we were doing activities! I just wanted him, and if having him meant sacrificing going out on dates, I was fine with that.
Once again, daddy issues rose to the surface. I settled for mediocrity even though that wasn’t what I really wanted. I wanted him and his commitment, but I was afraid to push it and push him away. Instead of walking away and making myself available for someone who was willing to make a commitment to me, I stayed committed to Mr. Uncommitted.
My intuition turned out to be right…
I met his girlfriend at a community event. The embarrassment on my face and the disappointment I felt in that moment…there are no words to describe it. He clearly wasn’t who I thought he was.
A few people tried to tell me he was involved with someone else, but when I asked him, he denied it. Subconsciously, I felt he may have been lying, but I chose to believe him. I wanted to take his word instead of other people’s, but it backfired on me.
I was in complete denial, and even though the signs were there, I didn’t know how to recognize them. Once again, I found myself enmeshed with a guy for longer than I needed to be. I had to get my feelings hurt before I could go my own way.
Guy #3 treated me kindly, but he failed to protect my heart. He dishonoured me by lying and I walked away without saying a word…
TO BE CONTINUED
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