Friend Request

This morning, when I woke up to check my social media, I saw a friend request from a man that I used to date. I shook my head. I thought I would feel something, but I felt nothing. I didn’t even wonder why he added me or what his intentions were. The one thing that did come to mind was the idea that, “How a person treats you, is how you treat yourself”.
I realized in that moment that I had completely shut the door on him and his trickery. And I knew it wasn’t going to re-open again, and here’s why.
Let’s rewind to when I left him a good three years ago.
I knew I was completely done with him and the relationship. I told him, “When I see you, I’ll say hello. We don’t have to be enemies, but please don’t call me or expect us to get together to sit around and wine and muthafucking dine (excuse my language).
He didn’t really like what I was saying to him, but that didn’t matter to me. I was done with him and I sincerely didn’t want him in my life anymore. You’d think after having told him I was done that he’d understand and allow me to move along with my life. But noooo! He’d call periodically trying to make friends with me, and when I wouldn’t answer, he’d text.
One day I asked to meet up with him, just to see what it was that he still wanted from my life, and to talk about everything that had happened. So there we were, sitting in a Peruvian a restaurant, when he told me that he was having a baby! He proceeded to tell me about all the messed up things that were going on between him and the mother of his soon-to-be child.
I just listened as he divulged everything that was happening in his life. I could’ve easily given him bad advice, but being who I am, I told him to do what was right, to take responsibility for his actions.
In that moment I figured maybe he just needed someone to talk to. When the meal was done and he was paying, he asked me if I was single. I told him the truth. “Yes,” I said. “But I’m interested in someone.”
He showed no reaction, dismissed my response and, instead, asked if I missed him. I ignored him.
On the drive back to my house, he said, “Let’s have a baby, a little boy.” At first, I thought about punching the shit out of him for having the audacity to ask such a daring question. Like, why the hell would I have a child with a man who’s already having a child with someone else?
But then I decided to just see where his mind really was. I asked him, “So when we have this child what will happen, what will we be, if we have this child?” He replied, “We’ll be friends. You’ll live in your place and I’ll live in my place”.
At that point, I thought, “This man is crazy! Nothing has changed, he’s still the exact same.” Turns out he hadn’t been calling and texting because he realized that he’d fucked up a good thing. He’d only been calling and texting to try and pick up where he’d left off, to have me exactly where he wanted me. He didn’t want me as his woman, but he wanted me to stay in his life, to have his baby and to fuck him from time to time. Basically, he wanted no commitment except for the one to his child.
I was appalled, and as much as I wanted to tell his ass off, I couldn’t be bothered. Instead, I just got out his car and politely told him to enjoy his day.
Over the following days, he kept calling to invite me out, or to ask me to come over. It became very clear that he was just trying to pick up where he’d left off. I wanted to believe otherwise when we’d gone out for dinner, but his behaviour wasn’t saying anything new. Just the same routine as all the other times.
So I called him back and admitted that maybe I’d only met up with him for my own purposes, but that didn’t mean that I wanted to rekindle things. I told him that since he hadn’t changed and he was having a child, that nothing would come of him and I. I also confessed that I’d really only wanted to know if he’d grown from the last time we’d seen each other, and that sub-consciously, I was hoping he had.
In retrospect, I must say that that was my insecure self hoping for a change, because after all the games he played, had I known my worth back then, I never would’ve kept feeding into his games.
He started to raise his voice. He tried to blame me for his behaviour and told me that I shouldn’t have gone to dinner with him. For a minute I felt bad. I thought maybe I’d led him on…But then I remembered who I was dealing with: a man who’d knowingly taken advantage of my selfless ways, a man who’d manipulated me, who’d turned things around and blamed me when he was caught being shady.
So I ripped him a new one. After screaming my head off about how manipulative he was, he finally apologized and admitted that he was manipulative.
…
When I woke up this morning to his Facebook friend request, I understood in that moment where I – not we – went wrong in the relationship.
Every single time I’d tell him I that couldn’t be with him anymore without a commitment, every time I’d walk away, he’d give me my space but then come crawling back. And I’d take him back, blinded by good sex and a little entertainment. But the whole notion of a relationship was silenced, and my soul, left unfulfilled, would suffer. Eventually, the “relationship” conversation would come up and the cut off time would come again. Had I known what I wanted and needed in my life at the time, I likely would’ve walked away once I understood that he didn’t want the same things I did. We possibly could’ve still been friends.
But I’ve come to understand the reason for his behaviour: He continues to try to slip his way back into my life – through phone calls, texts and, when that doesn’t work, through social media – because I taught him that that was acceptable.
Every time I allowed him back in my bed, my home, and in my life without first coming to an agreement about our relationship, I was showing him how to treat me. Actually, I was showing him how to mistreat me. So no wonder he thinks it’ll work this time around, too.
But like I said in the beginning, his friend request didn’t bother me. Although I forgave him a long time ago, I also made a promise to myself to never let him back into my life. Because I don’t need him.
So I deleted the request. Hopefully he’ll be better for someone else.
K.G