Motherhood 2

Hello dear readers,

Last week in Motherhood – The Answered Prayer, I gave you a look into my experience when I found out I was going to be a mother. I shared with you my mixed emotions; and my desire to do things differently in comparison to my life as a child. I also expressed my insight thus far on being a mother; and where I hope to take you over the next few weeks in this blog series. 

If you haven’t read it yet, check it out here: Motherhood – Beauty, Mental Health & Wellness | Keemah G Lifestyle

For now, let’s pick up where we left off.

Becoming a mother has always been my desire; but being a single mother wasn’t a goal at all (note: my children’s father plays a role).

I wanted to build a family with my future husband. I wanted to be a wife; and to change the narrative on motherhood and family in my community. This is the reason why I took my time having children— and wasn’t in the streets being reckless ( it’s also not my character). I wanted to get this part in my life right to the best of my ability; especially for my unborn children. I was adamant about them growing up in a healthy environment. So, I waited for a serious commitment to find me before I even considered having a child with someone. 

The day I found out I was pregnant really had me puzzled. The only person I told was my cousin, Latifa, who screamed, and was like, “I knew it”! Even with her amazing reaction—as she can be very animated— I still struggled with my emotions, and how to feel in that moment. 

I carried a lot of shame during the first trimester of my pregnancy because I didn’t know how to embrace the beautiful blessing. There were a vast amount of mixed emotions coming in at once; and it had a lot to do with being pregnant and my relationship coming to an end. I was happy that I finally got pregnant, but sad because I was alone experiencing one of the greatest moments in my life. I was also bringing my child into an unstable environment. I had learned and healed so much in my journey to becoming who I was at that point, so to replicate a broken home left me disappointed in myself, and feeling like a statistic. 

Many days I cried and felt alone. I would drive to work full of tears, only to wipe them clean, hide my pregnancy, put on that “Black girl cape”, and act like nothing was wrong, wearing the biggest smile. But, in the midst of the day, I would find myself overthinking; wondering how will I be as a mother if I have to carry the load, and can I do it? I really didn’t want to carry the load alone. 

This is when I missed my Grandmother the most, and really needed my mother. As much as my cousin Lakeshia was there for me, and she meant so much to me in that time, there’s something about a Mother’s love, and a Grandmother’s touch, that every girl needs, no matter how old she is when she conceives a child. 

I also missed my sister because we weren’t speaking for almost two years. But, I knew, despite my hurt towards her, that she would make an amazing aunt. I just didn’t want to revisit our relationship because I was afraid nothing changed, and it would be the same cycle. Low and behold, God was working us both out for the good (more on that in the series). 

My first trimester, I felt a lot of pressure, and I found myself again in survival mode. A space I had released myself from a few years back. The pressure was weighing in my mind, or maybe it was anxiety. 

One day, I was feeling overwhelmed, and I called my cousin Lakeshia and told her, “I don’t think I can do this…” I considered doing something I never even thought I would do, out of fear. To even share that now hurts my heart because it shows me how much fear I was experiencing, and how my faith wavered to the point where I would rob myself of a blessing, but that’s my truth. 

My cousin responded firmly and fast, and helped me to see I was just under pressure, and that I was going to be fine,  and I would be an excellent mother. She poured life into me that day, and after that release of overwhelming emotions, I told myself that I would embrace this beautiful blessing no matter the circumstances, and moving forward, I would do my best to worry less. 

My prayer life got stronger after that day, and despite my first trimester being lonely, the presence of God reminded me that I wasn’t alone. I slowly let go of the shame I was carrying, and embraced that I was now living on an answered prayer.

In the end, what began as a season of fear, loneliness, and uncertainty, became a beautiful reminder that even our quietest prayers are heard. Those early days—when every emotion felt too heavy and every thought felt too big—were now part of my story. I started to stand less in fear, and more in gratitude; fully embracing the life growing inside of me. What once felt overwhelming was transformed into an answered prayer— a promise unfolding day by day. And as I stepped into the next chapters throughout pregnancy and motherhood; I carried with me more the certainty that I’m never truly alone—because love, faith, and hope have walked with me all along.

With Love, Keemah G.