Nice people finish last… 

         I believe when people generally articulate this statement, they’re speaking of a person’s life desires. For instance, the nice guy that keeps on being nice to the girl who mistreats him. I’ve often heard that a guy like this will most likely end up by himself, or not with the woman he desires, because he keeps placing his needs on the back burner.

         If you told me this when I was in my late twenties, I would challenge this statement—I would say; they may finish last but they finish strong. Meaning— they will eventually be appreciated for their niceness over the long haul, and someone will eventually honour them, instead of misusing them. 

         The idea behind being a nice person is that everyone misuses them and takes their kindness for weakness because the nice person has this need to please. This idea is definitely one that I believe carries a lot of truth for many people who struggle with the “nice person syndrome”. 

         The thing about being the “nice person” is that it opens the door for people to think that they can treat you in any way because you aren’t going to get upset with them, you aren’t going to create boundaries to facilitate a healthy relationship, and you’ll let them slide on behaviours that need to be addressed—all in the name of being a “nice person”. 

         Based on my own experience, I would say that nice people do finish last and let me explain why…

         Nice people have a tendency to not speak up when things bother them because they want to avoid drama or confrontation. This is a weapon of self-destruction, because if you don’t speak up about your truth when it pertains to the things that are bothering you about your relationships, you’re inadvertently telling people how to treat you, and letting them define who you are as an individual. 

         I believe many people struggle with finding the balance on when to speak up, and when to let things go. I know this through the many conversations that I have had with people, and I grew in self-awareness when I decided to leave behind the nice girl. 

         I remember in my twenties multiple situations that occurred in many relationships that I chose not to address, just to avoid conflict. I chose not to speak, despite these concerns being ones that needed to be discussed. I was the girl that was very out spoken as a teenager, and often times, I was told that this was where my troubles in relationships laid. So, I literally went from one extreme to the next, and in that transition, I lost my voice, trying to be the unspoken nice girl. Pleeeaasssseeee!

         That nice girl got me to be misused, broken-hearted, manipulated and stabbed in the back. I wasted time in relationships being the nice person, not speaking up just to avoid being labelled as the angry Black woman. I let things slide that were toxic in friendships because I just didn’t want to make people feel guilty. I was the nice girl that was there for everyone that I could possibly be there for, but, when it was my time to need someone, I only a had a few good friends to call on (thank God for them!)

         So…you better believe I had to retire that girl and rebirth the girl who wasn’t trying to please everyone, that same girl who was capable of speaking up when things weren’t right. I just had to practice my delivery instead of withholding my feelings to spare others –that’s it. 

         I learned several things from being the “nice girl’. One, is that everyone will love you for it, but the love won’t always be authentic. Some people will praise you when you are being nice to them, but the moment you fall short, the ones that were in it for themselves will drop you like a like a hot pot. They’re a lot like branches, when things get hard they break and fall apart. I also learned that there is nothing wrong with being a nice person, but being nice without proper boundaries is where the problems will begin in relationships. 

         People need to know what you will accept in your life, and what you won’t tolerate in the partnership. When you don’t speak up and speak out, people can’t understand how to meet your needs.  I also realized that when you do speak up for yourself, some people may be offended, or get defensive. Some people may even begin to distance themselves from you, or cut you off. This is mainly because there are some people who may not know how to support this new version of yourself. Either way— I learned not to be upset by this curt response.  

         It’s easy to understand how the good person finishes last sometimes— because they put everyone first. Being nice has everything to do with the other person and nothing about yourself. If you’re giving to everyone and pouring out into everyone, who will pour into you? The nice person will also finish weak, because as humans we need to have our needs fulfilled to function in a healthy state. If not, you’ll end up feeling drained—and that’s doesn’t promote good health. 

         I’ve finally learned to be nice with boundaries, and I must say— life has been peaceful most of the time.

From my journey to yours.

Keemah G