Nobody Wins When The Family Feuds

Family…

Family relationships have always been the most important in my life. However, in all transparency, these relationships are the ones that have tried my patience, my heart, and my mental stability, the most. As much as I love my family; I’m sure we all can relate when I say, “family can sometimes be the best and the worst”. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t trade them for anything— ok wait… maybe just one person (just kidding lol)!

Because I grew up in a large family, I didn’t need a ton of friends. My siblings and cousins were my friends for a very large portion of my childhood, and it remains this way still. Even if we argued and cursed each other out, we always found our way back to each other.

As we got older, of course we changed; some of us grew closer, some grew apart, and along the way new connections were made with distant cousins. But, sometimes, I sit back and question why some of us grew apart. There was a lot division and drama that pulled apart a family that was once upon a time so close.

When I was younger, especially when my parents were alive, my faint memories are with my sister and I being at the center of our family. On Sundays, we knew we could stop off at our Grandparents, or any one of my aunts, and have a meal and connect; but once my parents died, and my uncles (on my father’s side) died too, those days drifted away into seclusion for us. 

Nobody wins when the family feuds.

As I was on my journey of growth, I had a therapy session where I realized that the feuding amongst both families (mainly the elders) after the death of my parents played a significant role in my life. 

The unanswered questions from my father’s family about certain things that took place over the years caused me to struggle with trust. It also put a wedge in our relationships because of some of their resulting behaviors. The accusations towards both sides of the family were rooted in needing someone to blame as a way to release the pain, and it created even more drama. The drama didn’t act as the best support system for the younger generation, as we too had to deal with a number of losses. 

The division that the feuding caused separated our family; and the strong foundation that our family once stood on gradually became more unstable. However, as cousins, some of us did our best to come together and maintain the current connections, and these are the moments I cherish. 

During the same therapy session, my therapist and I went into the topic of grief, and what it can do to a family. Through understanding how people cope, and how they do so differently, I was able to heal from the resentment that I had at times felt towards many of the older family members. I was also able to have conversations with a few of my aunts, and as a result, developed an understanding of where they were at in those years, and what the losses had done to them individually. And, the one insight that I needed the most came from my paternal Grandmother in the last two years of her life.

My Grandmother and I had an estranged relationship from my teenage years onward. I felt like she gave up on my sister and I in so many ways. I also felt that she treated me differently in comparison to my sister— and she did, but I will leave that alone out of respect for her story. 

Two years before she died, she called my sister on December 31, 2020, and she asked how she was doing, and how I was doing. My sister advised me to give her a call, so I did, and we talked. I expressed to her that I would keep in contact from that moment forward to check in on her, and to see how she is doing. Right before we hung up the phone, she said, “I love you Keemah, safe travels back home”. 

I got off the phone and cried.

From that day, I would call her, and check in on her, and we had conversations about my father, her childhood, her children and life in general. She was still a little unfiltered, but I took no offense—she was old! 

However, I learned that she wasn’t a wicked woman like people painted her out to be; yes, she made mistakes, but she wasn’t taught the right ways. She had to be a mother at a very young age, and before she could enjoy motherhood, she became a very young grandmother—so how could she find herself as a woman? How could she do the inner work to be the best woman she can be? The opportunity that we have today, to really take the time to work on ourselves, reflect, and grow, with no pressure, was so far from being in her reality—so I gave her grace. 

I also learned that she and my maternal Grandmother had so much in common. While discovering that, I thought that if they had just put their differences aside, especially my paternal grandmother, and demonstrated empathy instead of anger, they probably could have had a better relationship. 

Nobody wins when the family feuds.

I learned from my own family that regardless of what we go through, it’s important to stick together, address the issues at hand, and do our best to maintain the love. Practice forgiveness, and learn to be less on the offense. Arguing is just not worth the drama and division. God didn’t put us together in a family for no reason, there is a reason and role for all of us, and that should be our focus. I firmly believe that when we focus on ourselves and comprehend our role, we can show up for our families and add to a healthy family dynamic. 

Lastly, the elders play such an important role in the family. If they were all on the same page when my parents died, and chose to work together instead of caving inward, they would have set the tone for everyone else coming after them. I do understand their stories, and the reasons why, but, I just say this so others can learn from my family, and maybe choose do things differently because no one—absolutely no one, wins when the family feuds.

From my journey to yours

Keemah G