Red Flags and Alignment

Every lesson that I have learned in my journey has made me evolve. However, there are some lessons that have stood out more than others. There are also some lessons that life kept on trying to impart in me; one of them was the notion that if a person doesn’t align with you, let it be, and let life redirect you to people who do.

Let’s talk about “Red flags”. How many times have we seen them and totally ignored them? Red flags don’t always need to be something extreme and toxic, it can simply have to do with alignment.

Looking  back at every one of my relationships that didn’t work out so well, there was aways a “heads up” that God was giving me. However, I was so focused on making the relationships work, that I couldn’t see that many of my relationships weren’t aligning with who I was, and who I was becoming. I was blinded by worldly pleasures, and making the relationship work, that I failed to direct my attention to whether or not what we both wanted in a relationship was actually in alignment. 

At a very young age, I knew the desires of my heart. I wanted to have a family. My family would consist of me, my husband, and my children, and of course my other relatives. I’ve always dreamed of getting old with someone, travelling the world with someone, families coming together and just living life, day in and day out, with little to no drama in the relationship. I wanted my guy. I wanted our team. I wanted an unwavering love outside of my parents and Grandparents, and I was open to giving the same as well. 

Since my family was taken from me as a child, a very big part of me wanted to experience that again—i didn’t want to keep recreating the same broken cycle. So, I made having a family one of my non-negotiables. 

When I look back at the most important relationships in my life, I understand that I wasn’t in alignment with the men, and it makes complete sense why it never grew beyond where it had reached.  As much as we had common interests, mental stimulation, physical attractions, good times —the alignment was off.

For instance, a man I dated in my mid-twenties was stagnant on moving the relationship forward, and I was clear on what I wanted in the relationship. When I look back it makes perfect sense why he would be, he was stationary in every area of his life. And, the sad mistake that many women, such as myself, have made, is thinking, “if I continue to be the best woman I can be, he will notice, and get himself together for things to progress”. As I write this, I chuckle, because it can’t be any further from the truth.  

I was trying to pull the relationship forward, while he wanted it to remain where it was; this created frustration, and ultimately led to many arguments. Even when I would leave, he would smooth things over, and of course, I would dive in head first thinking that there would be changes; and low and behold, there we were, caught in his  motionless cycle again. I didn’t align with that man. No matter how great the sex, deep the conversation, and the number of restaurants we enjoyed, the vibe he was on wasn’t conducive to the evolution of our relationship, and to the direction in which I desired my life to flow. But, my need for a partnership was greater than seeking whether or not this man even fit the criteria for a relationship in the first place!

There was multiple amounts of “red flags” that I ignored.  In retrospect,  these were the signs that were trying to get me to realize that this grown man and I were so far opposite of “equally yoked”.

If this man and I were on the same level in terms of the direction we wanted our relationship to take, then things would’ve aligned between the both of us, and there would’ve been more progress in our relationship.

What I know now is that most of the time, the “red flags” are apparent from the start, and what we should never do is dismiss those flags, but instead address them, and observe how things adapt moving forward. 

A “red flag” doesn’t necessarily mean run! I believe it’s God giving us the heads up about something that’s off, and that could become a problem. I also consider red flags a matter of conversation to help bring alignment into the relationship. However, if those conversations make the person exhibiting the red flags withdraw, then you know it can only get worse, and it’s clear that you and this person aren’t aligned.

One thing on my end is for sure; when we’re not aligned with our partner, it’s impossible for us to walk together in life. This doesn’t mean that we have to have the same interests, or agree on everything—but our mindset has to be united. We have to be on the same path in terms of understanding the importance of progress. Being unaligned is where the problems begin in a relationship—and slowly where it ends. 

Love, KeemahG.