One evening, my girl and I, and a bunch of her friends, went to Lil Wayne’s The Carter III concert. The concert was “lit!” And when I say “lit” I mean it. There was fire on the stage and the wave of heat was a bit intense. I knew every Lil Wayne song on that album and I danced my ass off, and I probably had a drink or two. By the end of the evening, I had lost my voice and was tired as hell. But before the night ended, during the intermission, I bumped into an old friend.

As I was getting up to head to the bathroom, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and someone said my name. As I slowly turned around and took a shy glance, it was my long time crush from ten years ago. I was shocked to see him, and for a moment, I really was in awe. He looked great, I can’t even lie. Even my girl was like, “Oh he’s cute”. We spoke for a bit and I think he was just as shocked to see me as well. Throughout the entire concert, he was sitting right behind me, and neither one of us noticed the other. So, at the end of the concert, he took my number and we both went our own way.
To speed things ahead, he ended up calling the day after the show, and we caught up after years of not having spoken. Speaking to him reminded me of our teenage years – we laughed, reminisced and we were able to just be ourselves.

Months went by and we were seeing each other. But one day, one of my girls told me he had a girlfriend. I was a bit taken aback, because that was one of the first questions I’d asked him, and he told me “no”. So I asked him again and he said to me, “Me? Girlfriend? Nope.”
One day, at an event, someone introduced me to this beautiful young lady: his girlfriend. She went on to tell me they’d been together for a long time. So there I was saying to myself, “this liar!” Even though my girl was sure they were together, I needed to ask him again.

So, I asked him for the third time, and guess what he said? “No.” I was like, “this fucker!” I was more hurt than anything else because we were always as open and honest as children with one another, but his ass knew that, if I knew he had a girl, I wouldn’t even think to give him my number. So after leaving his house that morning, I deleted his number and when he called I gave him the cold shoulder. I didn’t even bother to say anything. After weeks of him calling I just decided to change my number and block him from BBM messenger.

Although I’d had a crush on him for years, I wasn’t trying to be someone’s side chick. I’m telling this story because there are some women who will stay…stay and try to make the man their own, as if there aren’t millions of men out there in the world.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s difficult to walk away from a person after you’ve invested your time and your feelings (I know). However, when you continue to invest in a man once you become aware that he has a girlfriend – no judgment – but just understand, ladies, that you’re taking a very big risk. You’re risking getting your heart broken. And, if the outcome doesn’t end up with you being his woman, you can’t be upset or angry at anyone besides yourself. Don’t look at Alicia Keys and feel you’re her. Remember, we know nothing about their relationship and how it really started.

People will say, “I stayed because ’I love him.’” But think about it: do you really? Does it have more to do with you feeling rejected, or you wanting a relationship so bad that you’d be willing to go through any means necessary (even if it results in you breaking another woman’s heart)?

Granted, there are times when a relationship has been over for a long time, and you just happen to meet your new crush at that point when he’s exiting the relationship. But if he hasn’t ended things, is it worth your sanity and character to pursue someone who’s pursuing someone else? I stick by my belief that when a man wants you, he’ll make you his woman and let everyone know that you’re the new woman in his life.

Knowingly, performing girlfriend/wife duties for someone else’s man is energy that can be spent somewhere else, like on the dating scene, for real! We can’t play the victim, or claim a broken heart when we knew that the man’s heart was somewhere else.

As women, I believe our first loyalty is to ourselves. But, when we continue being disloyal to ourselves, we can’t expect a man to be loyal to us. The most insecure thing a woman can do is beg a man to leave another woman. Be yourself, set your standards and allow him to meet your standards. But if your standards are, “I’ll sleep with you, cook you dinner and cater to you while you cater to someone else,” that’s exactly what you’ll receive from him: sex, a few meals and him catering to someone else’s heart.

I also believe that you can’t help who you love, but you choose who you date and who you’ll give your time to. I say this because I learned this myself. If he’s a bachelor, then by all means, do you girl, get your man, and show him what life would be like if he made you his woman. But to court him when he’s in a relationship, that’s playing with fire! And if you get burned, just remember that you walked right into the flame.

There are those women who don’t care whether they get burned or not. They’ll go after what they want, which is a little selfish in my eyes. And I think it’s a bit insecure, too. Yes, insecure.
I’ve been around too many women to understand that it’s a confidence booster to get a man who is with another woman. They feel that they have one. But keep in mind that whatever you get as a result of being this way, is caused by your own actions.

This message, therefore, is really for the women who do care about having their hearts broken. Think long and hard before you go throwing yourself into a situation that’ll leave you picking up the pieces of your broken heart, while he sails away with his woman, fully enjoying life.
I had to pick up the pieces of my heart after I ended things with my crush from the concert. I was disappointed but I didn’t hate him because I knew he was a good guy, making poor choices. But I guarantee you, if I had stayed, I know I would’ve grown to hate him and I could’ve broken another woman’s heart (but that’s just me), so I chose to walk away.

From my journey to yours
K.G