The Single Life

Having dealt with a “man boy,” I’ve decided to try being single for a while, and to take a break from jumping into one relationship after another.

In doing this, I‘ve been introduced to a new type of womanhood, one that has allowed me to become more confident. Taking a step back from relationships has let me explore where I am in my life, and to understand what it is that I truly need from my future relationships. This time has also allowed me to see where I went wrong in the past.

Truth be told, I’ve been guided by my own mantra: “Solitude brings forth inner growth.”

In the past, I was going from relationship to relationship, trying to secure a title, and I wasn’t completely in tune with myself; but yet, I was trying to get in tune with every man who crossed my path (particularly in my early twenties). How could I possibly have had a strong, connected relationship with a man, if I didn’t have a strong connection to myself? After observing this about myself, I realized that this was the reason I kept attracting, “Men boys” (men who act like boys).

After many nights and months of getting familiar with a couple of men, and after having had one booty call in particular, I started to think: “What if being single is actually a time for me to grow into my womanhood? What if God is pushing me into this place of solitude for me to work at being a better woman – for someone else, yes, but more importantly, for myself? What if I have to right the wrongs of my failed relationships, to prepare myself for someone great?”

These were the questions that pushed me to where I am today.

The single life has made me realize where I may have gone wrong with the men in my past. The single life has opened my eyes to the fact that I first have to give my all to myself, before I can give my all to someone else.

I’m now fully aware of the fact that I wasn’t whole in the past, which forces me to question how I thought I could’ve ever been someone else’s other half.

This single life is teaching me what I can and can’t handle in a relationship, as well as the things that I will and will not tolerate from any man in my future. Before, I would’ve accepted certain childlike behaviours from grown ass men, like lying and being manipulative. I would’ve put up with it just to say I had a man in my life, (because a man really validates who I am, right? No it doesn’t).

But I’ve learned that, regardless of how much I like a man, I shouldn’t sacrifice my self-worth or my happiness just to appease a man who only sees me as an option.

The single life has also made me understand what a relationship really should be – that’s a discussion for another blog post, but to give you an idea, I believe a relationship should be more than just a title, or someone who quells your feelings of loneliness; a relationship should be about two spirits that connect on a different level.
At first, I hated being single because I wanted companionship, which is a completely natural feeling. I’m still openly looking for companionship, but not with just anybody so that I can say I have a man.

I want to connect with someone on a different level, one that is more spiritual than physical. But, again, in the past, when I didn’t know what it was that I wanted from a relationship or from a man, I settled for the first man who treated me better than the last, which didn’t mean he was good for me.

Not being confident enough to determine what it was that I wanted in a relationship, led me to try to make things work, even when it was clear that it wouldn’t work because we were at different places in our lives. But, back then, I was in denial. I couldn’t see what was right before my eyes because I wanted a companion and wasn’t looking at the whole picture.

Today, I’m okay with knowing that I may be at a different stage in my life. I’m fine with not being the woman that certain men are looking for. I now no longer want to force a relationship. I prefer a relationship to happen sincerely. A forced relationship lacks sincerity and, chances are, it won’t end up working out anyway. So, I rather let the relationship form naturally.

Now that I’ve come full circle with respect to what it is that I want, I no longer sell myself short: I’m no longer the woman who will allow a man to get off at night and to feel good physically. Unless, of course, there’s a mutual understanding by both parties. If both of us don’t agree to a friends with benefits type situation, then it won’t happen, because it can’t be a one-sided opportunity over here, and I’m definitely no one’s little secret!
These are just some of the things I’ve learned since being single, but these are also some examples of the things that I dealt with when I was desperately looking to be in a relationship. They’re also examples of where I went wrong.

This single life has shown me how to wright my wrongs. I lost my standards somewhere in my early twenties, but if I’d never had this time to myself to think things through, and to take a break from all of the situationship/relationship drama, then I would never have taken ownership of my own truths.

I honestly believe that before anyone gets into a relationship, they should think about what it is they want from, and what it is that they can give in, a relationship. You have to really be honest with yourself, and I’m not talking about money or sex. I’m talking about your character, your values, etc. You also have to see if the roads are heading in the same place for the both of you, at that moment. And you have to not rush things: take them one a day at a time instead, and live for the moment. Get to know the person on a deeper level, and get to know their love language if you want a strong relationship.

Being single is not such a bad thing, at least it isn’t for me. I’ve been able to get my standards together, and as a result, I’m now growing into my womanhood, which is helping me to feel whole again, and which is giving me a better idea of what I want my next relationship to be.

“Being single gave the chance to get my standards in check.”

Keemah.G