You ever think back to a man you used to deal with and wonder, “What the hell was I thinking when I hooked up with him?” Well, I most definitely have.

My girls and I speak about this whenever we get together for an all-day ladies’ night. Sometimes we laugh about it, but we also keep it real and admit that we’ve all been with that one person we knew we shouldn’t have been with. Y’know the one: that guy who had no business adding mileage to your vagina, but you let him do it anyway. I’m not speaking about that person with whom you shared your heart, but the one with whom you shared your body.

Now, don’t be reading this thinking we were a bunch of fast ass young ladies back then, because that’s not the case. But, like I said, we all have that one person we wouldn’t mind erasing from our list, let’s be real.

Sometimes, I really try to understand what I was feeling in that moment I opened my legs and let him find his way between my thighs. In retrospect, I realize that the only thing I was feeling was down and insecure. The blind folders were on and I couldn’t see clearly at all. I’m not trying to devalue him, or even imply that this man isn’t worthy, enough to be with a woman now but, in that moment in that time, he wasn’t.

Being who I am, I always like to analyze things, which is why, when I look back, or when I speak to my girlfriends, I realize that, more often than not, we hooked up with these guys because we were feeling insecure and were searching for a replacement in our lives. Some might call insecurity a foolish reason to sleep with someone you know isn’t right for you, but it is what it is and I own my truth.

Those crucial moments occur most of the times when you’re young and transitioning into adult hood. Unsure of who you are, but committed to the adventure of figuring it out, insecurities are rampant during your teenage years: Your hormones and emotions are so out of whack that you can find yourself doing some foolish shit.

To every young girl out there who’s feeling insecure and down, my advice to you is to get your shit together, by working on yourself, refocus, on what you want in life and how you’re going to get there and then get back onto the dating scene. Why? Because when you’re constantly acting out from a place of insecurity you can make some stupid, stupid decisions. Don’t get me wrong: mistakes will happen because you aren’t perfect. But, what really matters is what you do next.

When you’re feeling down and insecure, you generally aren’t in the best headspace, especially when men are involved. Chances are good, therefore, that you’ll wind up with more than your share of regrets. Don’t be too hard yourself because we’ve all been there.

We’ve all fallen guilty to that guy who feeds on our low self-esteem or our broken heart. We think he’s forged in gold, but over time, the “relationship” ends up deteriorating. Why? Because once we’ve overcome our insecurities, we realize that the man we wanted wasn’t who we thought he was, so we try to change him to suit our needs, which only makes things worse.

So, we break up, or walk away and then, once we’ve healed and are able to look back at the situation with fresh eyes, we’re forced to ask ourselves, “What the hell was I thinking?”

I think the best time to date is when we feel secure and confident: The blinders come off and we don’t make as many foolish choices when we’re feeling good about ourselves.

From me to you

K.G