Friendships are formed based on where we are in life.

If you were to look back on your friendships and analyze where you were mentally, emotionally and spiritually, you will understand the connection you made with an ex-friend or friends. 

For instance, when my Grandmother died, it brought me and an old friend closer, but it never lasted for more than three years. I was grieving and trying to manage my depression, and she was lost in life. Despite my struggling mental health, I had the growing wisdom that I was acquiring from my healing journey that she so desperately needed. 

Our friendship kept me busy from my depression, and my passionate speeches during our conversations helped to build her confidence, and at times it was a written piece of content for her brand (unauthorized). We had a strong bond because we were both at a difficult moment in our lives. She was at a place where she was trying to find herself, and I was at a place where I was trying not to completely lose myself. Equally I would argue that we both wanted to evolve.    

Long story short, we are no longer friends but I am not surprised by this… 

As she was beginning to find herself career wise, I was finding myself, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I was changing and she was attaining what she had not experienced yet in life, a career. 

In retrospect, we were both evolving in different areas of our lives, but in many ways, I observed that she wanted me to remain the same. By remaining the same person, it made her comfortable in the friendship; my friendship provided her with a familiar space, one that she could count on, one that would not waiver or fall apart like a two-dollar watch at the site of a dilemma. 

I was the friend that she could count on, but I was also the friend who she continuously deceived. I know that her behaviours were because of her brokenness, but I got to a point in my life where I wanted so badly to remove myself from toxic relationships and provide myself with the space to grow, that I let go of our friendship. It’s weird because I don’t think our friendship ended on bad terms, but her behaviour after the fact demonstrated that she was extremely upset with me for not calling her (keep in mind, she didn’t call me either, but anyways).

This is one example, but to be fair, there were a few relationships during the time when I was “doing the work” that fell from grace. I wondered in this time was it challenging to be my friend? And the truth is, it was—and sometimes, will still be for friends that I may meet in the future.  

Why? 

Because I am constantly changing and evolving, if I were to stay the same in every milestone in life that would be inhumane, at least that is what I believe. 

What I learned is: most of the time people are accustomed to who you were, not who you have become, so many friends cannot sustain the relationship that was once formed when you were at a different season in your life. Also, sometimes when your friend is not evolving, they struggle to be around you, and sometimes you struggle to be around them. Then, there is the case where you are both evolving, but one person needs you to remain the same because who you were is what they still need you to be in the friendship. 

I call these friends the “time stoppers”. They are the ones who forever pause you in a time that best suited them.  To be fair, it is not deliberate or intentional most of the time, but like I mentioned before, some people need you to remain the same to benefit them. 

The time stopping friends don’t know how to receive the evolving you.  I have observed and have been told that it scares them because they do not know if the relationship will stay the same. So, when they see you growing they try to keep you where you were when they first met you. I learned it is never personal, but an individual struggling with the process of change.

Ultimately, what I learned from my elders is that a friendship can and will last throughout a life time, but only when we learn to respect the seasons we are in and show up the way we both need each other to.  

From my journey to yours

KeemahG

Image by Cheryl Holt from Pixabay